a high-wire act is risky and elegant

yesterday i spent an hour with a colleague, discussing a coaching tool created by ben dean of mentor coach. the tool - the pillars of a balanced life - can be likened to a work-life balance analysis, but multi-dimensional. there are 10 life domains the tool assesses and it is interpretable, meaning, it can be modified or expanded to suit specific situations or goals. at the end of our time together, he concluded with saying that if there was one word he would put forth to capture the essence of my life, it would be "purpose."

commenting on the previous post, friends have suggested that i explore several threads, one of them being this: "i am compelled to pay attention to the brilliance that occurs at that level of performance; it utterly captures my attention!" the question to answer would be, "why?"

i have to say that i do not think i am alone or unique in this position of awe at superlative performance. i give credit to the human brain (and its supporting characters) for selectively narrowing its focus to isolate breathtaking performance from its fair-to-average counterpart.

why do performers go out on a limb, time after time after time? this is the same question as "why do babies insist on walking after they've fallen and gotten hurt countless times in one day?"

i remember my first ballet recital. i was required to perform two years after i started taking lessons. i remember hating the costume, the role picked out for me, the music, the almost-all of the performance. the only part i liked were the pink satin toe shoes. the lights of the stage were so hot and bright, the maw of the audience so close and hauntingly faded. two years to train for a performance in a new field is not enough. still, i stayed in formation, did my duty, and threw the costume away after the performance. my sister told me afterward that she could hear my deep sighs of frustration - my left foot skidded sharply at one point, breaking alignment with the other performers - from the fifth row.

i loved ballet. i loved it from the first moment i put on the black leotard and pink tights. i felt like a big girl when i graduated to pointe. going to the dance store and being instructed on how to sow on the ribbons. the shoes were so smooth and clean, the color such a mystical faded pink. and i loved the culture. i loved the elegance of the body, the exhilaration of the corps moving in rhythmic unison. it was, at times, absolute immersion. it was flow. at times. it was grueling and painful work, but strangely, there was such a huge payoff after every lesson no matter how many times the mistress - a diminutive german - pounded her staff on the waxed and scarred hardwood floor during that lesson, or who she yelled at and how many times.

i'm going to do an analogy here.

the baby falls as he tries to pull himself up to the table leg, to steady his still-fat baby body so as to take a tentative step. head meets edge of table leg, pain ensues. 40 minutes later, baby initiates the same sequence of actions - maybe using a different piece of furniture for support. do we consider this the neurosis of repeating the same behaviors while expecting different/better results? no. we consider this perseverance in service of manifesting the blueprint for striving, overcoming, and conquering.

the ballet mistress yells at me 7 times in one hour, punctuating her displeasure, her offense at my imperfection, with a bang of her staff - as if the yelling isn't enough. and the embarrassment of being less-than and that being visible to my fellow dancers. (now, 30 years later, i know that in some disciplines, those who are critiqued are considered higher-potential than those who are not; twisted logic but it stands to reason.) why do i keep going to classes? why do i keep getting up on stage, despite the slips and hot lights (and odious costumes)?

because i have a blueprint for striving, overcoming, and conquering.

and this blueprint is built into every living organism.

true, every organism has different innate blueprints. broadly-stated, one of two; think: easy, adaptive baby or colicky, sensitive baby. however, epigenetics shows us that these two influencers are so intertwined that it’s not a proposition of one or the other, nature or nurture; when looking for explanations of how the blueprint manifests itself, it is an admission of both.

bringing it back to the striving to achieve and conquer, this innate need – let’s call it a metaphysical sense of purpose – manifesting in observable behaviors is indeed different among people, but it is present in all people.

in the alchemy of hardwired and environmental, purpose, to some, is the journey to excellence. to others, it may the journey to comfort. or satisfaction. or safety. the beauty of differences, the glorious concert of human expression and desire. all are cherished. but take action toward a purpose, whatever it might be.

to me, it feels as though being captivated by excellence – and the striving toward – speaks to the unquenchable desire to see magnificence, beauty, grace. transcendence of past and present, in favor of timeless.

are you striving towards your purpose?

i'm on an arterial road

why not stay with therapy, carmen? why peak performance? are you saying that other levels of performance are (fill-in-the-blank with negative adjective of your choice)? no, that is not what i am saying. that is not why i am veering off the main road. i am compelled to pay attention to the brilliance that occurs at that level of performance; it utterly captures my attention!

but the inquiry needs to reach much further back.

we perform our best when we are at our best, holistically.

what does that really mean? does that mean that it is mostly the few, who were chosen by fate to have comfortable, safe childhoods, who can train to evolve to that level of performance? what about the (probably) 99.9% of the rest of us who were touched by some sort of uncomfortable experience or denigrating trauma in our childhoods? are we incapable of attaining peak levels of performance?

i found an answer today.

i realized that the reason for my interest in (high) performance is largely the same reason for my interest in psychology. i wanted to know what? why? and how? and then what?

what happened? what did that result in? how can the lived experience to date be changed and improved after that happened?

change.

but the approach to these questions - and to the change itself - differ markedly between the practice of therapy and coaching / consulting.

i now understand the psychology of behavior. and i understand how to influence change from this platform; or, at times, to recognize how much and what kind of change is possible (and why).

what emerged in my therapy work was the inevitable merging of an old love - high performance - and a new discovery - my attention was increasingly captivated by clients who were able to sustain the change process which occurs in therapy, thereby achieving personal evolution. i eventually became uncomfortable with clients who were unable to walk down this road. these latter clients knew they wanted to experience a different - better - life. but what kept showing up was their inability or unwillingness to engage in the process of change, to be comfortable with discomfort (for a little bit), to be honest about their defenses (which make sense, but still need to be looked at to see if or how they are useful/less), and to actually do the day-to-day work that change requires. basic work. basic, as in ... sleep well. eat nourishing food. stretch a little. literally. metaphorically. go inward and reflect. be honest with yourself. it became evident that their energy was invested in maintaining a particular narrative which not only wasn't serving them but it was stonewalling personal growth, unbeknownst to them.

show stopper for therapy. fertile soil for resentment and frustration to bloom, with a decisive, "therapy doesn't work" message added to the narrative.

my own narrative had a fundamental nuance. therapy works if you make it work (read: sweat, blood, tears). and those who make it work have something inside of them that enables them to make it work that the others do not. what is that something? and why am i so energized when i work with these clients? and why do i get impatient and mentally check out when i'm in conversation with the ones who don't (want to) make it work? "i better pay attention," says i to self.

and here's what i discovered. but first, a paraphrased quote from michael gervais: one commonality 80% of the world's top-performing ceos share is a childhood history of trauma.

wait! WHAT?!

and here's the discovery and the interpretation of the quote. people don't excel because they haven't experienced some form of trauma in childhood. they most likely excel because of it!

80% OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT IS MOST LIKELY A RESULT OF ADVERSE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES.

so, if we were to generalize this figure to other performance areas, then we come to learn that most high performers perform at that level because they are overcoming something painful! and that is the answer i came to. and i tied the whole package with a nice, fat, red bow. so therapy and performance enhancement address the same issue, trauma, but possibly with different populations, definitely from a different platform.

therapy works (with people who want it to work) for people who have identified their own less-than-optimal childhood and work to surmount the trauma, psychologically.

performance enhancement is sought by people with the above two givens already processed and shelved as "part my my history" and "now i want to look at present and future, to continue the trajectory of [overcoming that past by] performing at a superlative level as much as i am capable of doing [with some mental skills work]."

you see, the issue is ... where does it all come from? where does psychological dysfunction come from? where does stellar performance come from? they're offshoots of the same root: a sub-par (possibly traumatizing) childhood. but where the twins depart from one another is what the individual does with this burden: one road leads toward dysfunction (mostly), the other leads toward overcoming.

resilience. intensity of purpose. reaching for achievement and excellence. pretty much always and in every sphere of activity.

let me explain. if i grow up with a parent for whom my efforts are never good enough, who expects excellence - be it subjective or objective, but mercilessly relentless - and constantly reminds me of this (not constructively, to say the least), then i have two options (for i must survive my childhood and am creating some sense of self as i go along, surviving). option 1: i learn that i am not good enough (subconsciously) and (unconsciously) stop there, meanwhile developing, first anxiety, then depression; later in life, my narrative says, "i'm not good enough; everyone else is better; i don't deserve to feel good about myself." option 2: i learn that i am not good enough (subconsciously) and furiously seek (unconsciously) (and probably create) opportunities for myself to disprove that uncomfortable "knowledge" (so as to gain my parent's approval).

sadly, this is not my discovery. harvard business review explored it here. but, it is an important link between points on the performance continuum. 

performance is fundamentally approval-seeking behavior. however, it is an adaptive response to the long-standing, original-source disapproval.

i have wandered off the so-called main road because i am interested (and always have been) in how we - these complex organisms known as a humans - surmount difficulties. why and how we create constructive and purposeful meaning out of pain or discomfort or adversity.

and that is the reason i wanted to understand human psychology in the first place.

thanks, robert pirsig.

“the paths of fate: a garlic clove is moved one millimeter and the world is utterly changed…”

“…the slightest shift disturbs the secret position of our emotions and yet it transforms our lives forever.” – muriel barbery, the life of elves

i have missed this blog. i have missed the magic of words conjuring dreams, fascinations, metamorphoses, tears, grief, solace, inspiration, life, beauty, wonderment, exile, tranquility, reverberations. 

i have missed writing. 

what have i been doing all this time? 

it is true that muses alight on shoulders. it is utterly and unequivocally true. muriel barbery reminded me of this long-forgotten truth. the woman is a word-magician. her themes, universal. her themes are mine and yours; they’re the collective stone paths through the thicket, out into the clearing. her clearings, much like mine, are swaths of golden grain strewn with red poppies, bending to the symphony of wind, bracketed by cool, sumptuous forest.

mayhaps – thanks, brian jacques – i’ve been meandering in the forest and thickets. not lost, just meandering; rejuvenating on beds of moss, ferns, and dew. the potions and incantations must have worked. i am walking into the clearing once more. this dance of life, this path of stones leading to poppies, secrets cobbled in tempered silence, murmurs of truths almost-forgotten. i have remembered it all, i reclaim it all.

while reclined on mosses, fed by dew and roots and earth, i have brought to the surface forgotten knowledge. 

we are whole. every single one of us. whatever our diminutions, whatever our circumstance, or fate, or blueprint. we need not seek elsewhere other than within. illness is a gift. health, equally so, though more audacious. or, more soporific of the two. surely when we are full of health, we are also blissfully unaware of its transience and its polar coexistence with illness. 

truth: we are all whole, no matter the present circumstances.

truth: the cacophony of life as we know it steadily distances us from our Truths. 

truth: wholeness resides in blood, guts, heart, brain, mind, eye, toes, lips, ligaments, nerve fibers, interstitial fluid. the all of each one of us is encoded with wholeness and health. 

i have been thinking and espousing the three pillars of mental health. sleep, food, exercise. but so much more than that. a fourth pillar is added. relaxation. i’ve worn my facial muscles into permanent expressions iterating these facts. sleep, food, exercise, relaxation. breathe. repeat. there are no secrets. all is open and free. search for your Truths and for our Truths. and remember wholeness.

and walk that well-known path pulling you into the clearing. 

what do you see?

the song, the poem, the connecting line…

while on hiatus from this blog, i have lived much and richly. i have learned painful lessons. i have slumbered and awoken to bounteous gratitude. i have been fed and i have fed. i have writhed with anguish and exploded with cathartic joy. for myself, for my son, for my clients-fellow-journeymen, for faceless humans the world over, mostly encountered in the in-between pages of stories. i have been fed by writers, artists, courageous actors who wrote or painted or acted their story or their life so as to speak to my experience of being human.

i have worked at healing, surely. what has been healing me these many moons have been the poet-artists – whom I’ve never met in real life; or, some of whom i have met, whether in my practice or in elevators, or in airport waiting lounges, or on stone steps outside of museums – who touched my shoulder ever so slightly, whispering, “look. just, look and be. it is well. and it is whole. and, so, it is beautiful. all is to be accepted and taken in. it is your endowment and your legacy and your library. bind it all in leather, gilt the edges, and shelve it where you can see and touch it.” 

while on hiatus from this blog, i have spoken with courage and hope and blunders and fear. i have met perpetual hope. these have led me back to the original source. all we do is in the service of love. all we do, we do to reach and connect. that is all that matters. perhaps one more thing matters; but which comes first? vulnerability. the remembrance of safety in vulnerability. this is the apogee of love – I love (and seek shelter) when i am vulnerable and i am loved because i (trust and) am vulnerable.

while on hiatus from this blog, i have been nurtured by, among scores of others, kelly brogan, george vaillant, gordon neufeld, gabor mate, muriel barbery, neil stephenson, andrew wyeth, tango and flamenco, georgia o’keeffe, earth and ceremony, the emdr community, michael gervais, my alma mater, human potential and vulnerability, the seattle thunderbirds and the hockey community, old recipes, nourishing traditions, memories of ancestors. 

being human – so so much, this invective, this Truth.