in memoriam

mourning for lives barely begun and for lives marked by others' inexplicable actions.

i feel deep grief in my gut, at the corners of my eyes, it feels like a burgeoning rage which i try to suppress. a hollow, guttural moan forms in my gut. grief. beyond the usual question, why?, lie clues: mom was teacher in classroom where shootings occurred. but, not much else. so far.

i'm reminded of alice miller's research: when celebrities kill themselves, the whole world asks "why?" but the world doesn't do more than look at the present: gleaming luxury car, gleaming glamorous lifestyle, gleaming social notoriety, gleaming good looks. what we would discover if we were to turn over the mossy rocks would be a childhood of punishment, neglect, abandonment, witholding, trauma, rejection.

the fact remains: they were small children. what have they to do with another's unhappiness except being in the way?

the fact remains: mom was a teacher in the classroom where the shootings occurred.

lives lost. potential lost. families broken.

tell children the truth and show them where to get help. the truth is that adults don't always know how to do everything right. the smart ones, the good ones, ask for help. before their pain causes others pain.

a quote, Columbine principal: "I think as a society, we need to come together. It has to stop, these senseless deaths."

right.

how?

pray hard and steady.

and let's work on "stop[ping] these senseless deaths."